I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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