I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
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i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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