So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize