I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize