i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
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Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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