I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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