got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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