alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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