So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
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I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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