I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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