If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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