is your mom at the bar?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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