Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
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Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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