I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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