i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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