i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
People in love make me want to vomit
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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