My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
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Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
the raccoons are back...
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