you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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