True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
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We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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