I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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