I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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