If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize