Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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