Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(804): View more from Virginia

You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.

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(804): You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic. (1-804): If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator. http://tfl.nu/r2b2

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(619): View more from California

I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case

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(619): I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case http://tfl.nu/xr3i

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So for us it's double that?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Precisely.

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(570): Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime. (717): So for us it's double that? (570): Precisely. http://tfl.nu/p9hg

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(425): View more from Washington

I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.

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(425): I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning. http://tfl.nu/lhtu

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(704): It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States. http://tfl.nu/t1qp

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

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(910): I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling. http://tfl.nu/sj19

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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(503): I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions.. http://tfl.nu/v6no

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(773): View more from Illinois

We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.

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(773): We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed. http://tfl.nu/o1n2

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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(203): No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience. http://tfl.nu/6ty7

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?

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(610): Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that? http://tfl.nu/63qi

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(979): It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun. http://tfl.nu/ajrj

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(845): View more from New York

Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins

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(845): Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins http://tfl.nu/if6l

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(416): View more from Toronto

BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.

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(416): BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me. http://tfl.nu/xkbl

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(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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(816): He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship. http://tfl.nu/hu0s

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.

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(414): What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess. http://tfl.nu/j346

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