Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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