I cannot find my penis.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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