Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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