If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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