he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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