I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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