I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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Do you remember whose house we're in?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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