I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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