can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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