I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
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Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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