Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize