Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
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Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
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It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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