How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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