This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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