I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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