Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
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You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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