Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
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You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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