she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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