Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize