Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
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I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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