Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
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just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
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I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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