i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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