2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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