he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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