i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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