At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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